I thought after finally being diagnosed, knowing what was eating away at me, would make me feel better but it hasn’t much. Right now I’m at the stage where I’m questioning my life. Where am I going to be in ten years from now? What kind of life will I have then if it’s so bad now? How am I supposed feel about this?
I don’t want to die knowing that I just wasted all the precious time I have. It’s amazing how being this sick can make you think about your life and how little I’ve actually done with it. There are so many things I want to do and places I want to see. I don’t want to let this thing take over my body. I wish sometimes that I could just close my eyes and it would all go away.
I know it’s hard for people around me to understand how I feel and what I’ve been through. I never expected people to solve my problems for me, I just want some understanding and compassion; for people to finally believe that I wasn’t making up my aches and pains just for attention. Take a walk in someone else’s shoes for a day, they always say but that’s not even what I’m asking. I would never wish this disease on anyone.
I started writing everything down so I won’t forget, but I’m getting used to having to take the pills everyday at the same time. I often tend to get up around 12pm so I wind up taking them around 1pm and so on. The Flagyl is making my stomach upset and the steriods are still making me nervous, but not as bad as the first few days. All the meds are helping but for how long is what I ask. We’ll have to see what the Remicade can do if anything.
My son made me so angry today. I was on the phone trying to make an appointment with the surgeon and he comes flying into the room screaming because he twisted his finger on the stair railing. I know it must have hurt but he knew I was on the phone and continued to scream saying, “You hate me, I want to die!” His dramatics can only be measured by mine at that age. I feel bad for him. I don’t want him to feel like I did when I was a kid and my mom used to tell me I was just being overdramatic about everything.
I had a McDonalds cheeseburger last night and it tasted so good! I miss being able to eat that kind of food. I especially miss seafood the most. I just keep telling myself that I’ll be able to eat them again one day when I’m in remission. In the mean time, I’ll be good and only cheat once in a while. :) Well, that’s all for today, I’m going to lay down and watch some reruns……….AGAIN!